Tuesday, 25 October 2011

If Jesus had had MY job, the Gospels might look like THIS.

I first published this on my personal blog almost a year ago, and it still rings true, so I thought I'd share it with you!

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And it came to pass that it was Tuesday, and the Toddler Craft Group did meet in the Community Space. So Jesus went forth to the community space, and he did set up the paint and the glitter and the clay and the toys and the tea and the coffee and the biscuits and the banana. And the toddlers came unto the community space with their nannies and their mothers, and they did stick their hands in the paint and create an enormous mess. And Jesus did bless the children, saying, "that is exactly the point of this craft group, but my goodness, it doth make a mess."

And the toddlers sat in a circle, with their nannies and their mothers, and they did sing "The Wheels on the Bus" and "This Little Light of Mine," and they did play upon the rattles and the bells and the castanets. And the nannies and the mothers helped with the clean-up as best they could, but soon after, they departed, back to their own homes. And Jesus did then have to take DOWN the paint and the glitter and the clay and the toys and the tea and the coffee and the biscuits and the banana, and return the Community Space to the condition wherein he had found it. And he did cry out, "O Lord, why didst thou make paint so difficult to remove from teacups???" This was to fulfill the prophecy, as it was written, "my servant shall be covered in paint, yea, even up to his very elbows. But I will rejoice in him and make him great and shall give unto him the last Jaffa Cake to reward him for his tribulations."

Soon after, it was a Sunday morning, and Jesus did approach the Central Line, to go from Leyton to Notting Hill Gate. And lo, there were delays upon the Central Line, both upon its eastbound trains and upon its westbound trains. And Jesus did arrive at Notting Hill Gate, and lo, there were many tourists. And the crowd of tourists pressed upon Jesus as he approached the escalator, and Jesus' disciples said to him, "Master, why do you not curse these tourists, for they are blocking the escalator?" And Jesus said, "Truly, I say unto you, these tourists are as lost lambs. For they are not Londoners and they do not know that you are supposed to stand on the right of the escalator and leave the left side free for people to walk past." And then God sent an impatient woman with a toddler to the escalator, and she spoke out against the tourists, and the tourists did part and let the woman with the toddler through upon the left side of the escalator. And Jesus did follow her, and pass up the escalator on dry land.

As it was approaching the feast of February Half-Term, the twelve Sunday School teachers did say unto Jesus, "behold - half-term draws near, and we must withdraw to the Swiss Alps or the Canary Islands for a holiday with our families." And Jesus did look at the Sunday School rota and did despair, for the last Sunday of Half-Term was empty. And one Sunday School teacher said to Jesus, "Master, I am not going to the Swiss Alps or the Canary Islands, so I shall take upon myself the burden of teaching that Sunday." And Jesus said, "behold, this Sunday School teacher is a true son of Abraham, and has brought salvation this day. For blessed are they who volunteer when everyone else is away on holiday, somewhere sunny, with little fruit cocktails and warm sand, while we remain behind to freeze and get rained upon and suffer yet more delays on the Central Line."

This is the word of the Lord.

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